Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
