Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
