just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
