My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
