oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
