If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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