Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
