bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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