I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
