I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
