Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
