It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
