I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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