put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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