So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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