Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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