very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
