So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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