Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you win again, gameday.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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