u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize