We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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