You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
