I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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