I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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