youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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