ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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