I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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