so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
