Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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