sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
