a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everyone says I win the strip club
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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