I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
