I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
