yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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