yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
