shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
