Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
