the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
