tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
