i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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