Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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