im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
