i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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