Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
