new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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