Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
