you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Liz is crying about burritos again.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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