after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
