I met the friendliest cop last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
