I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
