Your face is a jimmy john
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
organizing the empties. That sober.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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