I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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