A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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