Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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