I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
