i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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