We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
